Love Learning and Die Trying!

When I made the decision two years ago to pursue my love for learning, get a degree in psychology, pursue grad school and hopefully counsel and teach young men and women, I knew it was going to have its challenges.  I have felt it would all be worth  it.  Little did I know the broad range of obstacles, from technology to test taking.  There have been many near failures coupled with minor and major victories. 

As I sit here, four weeks from finals,  I have to look at my performance.  In my eyes, I have not only  performed well but I have loved the process (at least most of it).  I am looking at my performance in terms of what I have gained and what I have accomplished.  The path is one of joy and the love of learning.  My measuring stick says I still love learning.   And yet, academia requires that I take a breath and look at my score, a number. The numbers are not impressive or astounding. They are not, in my opinion, a reflection of the love of learning or the knowledge I acquired.  Three of my five grades reflect a lack of trying or a lack of understanding or possibly to some that I don't care.  This could not be farther from the truth. The answer...multiple choice testing. It is an evil assessment  for someone like me.  Ask me to write a paper, do a project, involve myself in the lives of others, and take an essay type test. I got that! I don't, however, have the ability to decide between A and B even when I know it isn't C and D. It has been an ongoing battle since my arrival in the halls of higher education.  

But, I refuse to be defined by the number and so I strive to accept that I will not look amazing on paper in those classes that require multiple choice testing; however, I will look like the stellar student in those courses that allow me to write and create and share my knowledge in a way that allows me to express myself and dialog about what I know. That feels good. So, I continue to press on and meet with professors hoping that they will get the one size fits all approach is a deadly weapon for not only me but for many of my peers.  

It is the round hole with the square peg type of problem or as we read last week "Wicked Problems." This is one of them. In my opinion, young men and women leave the halls of many universities due to the lack of encouragement and discouragement that comes with not performing at the required level. Is it because they can't or is it because the rubric is designed to measure all of us the same?  I would have to challenge the egocentric thinking of those in higher education and say, "it is broken; please fix it." 

Until the system is perfected and evolves to be one where success is measured by personal growth, love of learning and a variety of combined measuring instruments, I  am forced to live with the gap between my grades and my knowledge. I will, however,  not give up. Disregarding one of my professor's comments that "maybe you are not cut out for grad school," I continue to pursue the dream of getting my PHD. I know I can do it.  So, I press on and in spite of the discouragement I sometimes feel, I continue to apply myself.  I can only hope those individuals, who see my grad school application and hold my future dreams in their hands, will see beyond the current measuring stick and see me for what I can offer and bring to their program.  I choose optimism and enthusiasm. 

I also know I am not alone. I have talked to many of my peers who battle the same war of trying to find success in a system that doesn't meet their needs.  For some the multiple choice test is a relief over writing a paper or an essay and then for others, like me, the multiple choice test is a guillotine. Regardless of where you fit in, don't give up! Continue to pursue your goals and dreams!  More importantly, love the joy of learning.  Along the way, you encounter those teachers or  professors, like Jeffrey Wright, who inspire and encourage!