Serendipity

I had the privilege to be a part of Martin Middle School's inaugural story night.  This is an event that Carmen Williams, Martin's librarian, has wanted to do for quite some time. Finally, her dream came to fruition. It was exciting to see her plans and dreams unfold to a night of success.

I have difficulty describing the sweetness that permeates the environment at Martin. It is something I think you have to breathe in and allow it to envelop your being. I wish I could capture the emotions and find the words to describe how I feel when I am there. Tonight was no different. Families love their school and neighborhood. The staff and teachers love the students and their families and want them to be successful.  Martin is a place that speaks encouragement and understanding to the the obstacles that the majority of their student's face.  It speaks hope and resilience to fragility and weariness.

Watching Carmen was an experience in and off itself. She was, as to be expected, nervous. You have a dream or vision and you can only hope that others will be on board and that participation will confirm the need.   As families entered the building, you sensed this anticipation of something exciting on the horizon.  From infants to teens, the enthusiasm in watching story tellers, making book marks and puppets, and sharing a meal was uncontainable.

For many of us, we take story night for granted. We read stories to our children every day; we lounge in our favorite chair and enjoy the latest bestseller,  and we download our next read on our iPad.  We roam through the library as though it is our home. For the families at Martin, this is not the norm. Many of them have no access to the internet, have no favorite author to follow, and do not have a library card because they lack a  permanent address. Imagine you have no home, books within your home and you don't speak English and yet, you want all that is available for your children.

 Magically, or so it seems, a night like this happens and you have the opportunity to see your children growing in knowledge and love for books.

I  am moved to tears by what I see happening at Martin. It speaks volumes to my spirit as I face the end of another semester.  I am inspired and reminded that this is why I am at the University of Texas.  I have to chuckle as I ponder my luck to be working on an oral history project with Martin. I am their facilitator for oral history and yet, they are my lifeline of confirmation to press on to the goals I have set before me.  My desire is to bring tools to children to be successful in spite of the obstacles. In comparison to what I have already gleaned from Martin,  I can only hope that I will be able to give back as much as I have received.

Serendipity....Meeting Genevieve, a UT student studying library science, who just happened to be at story night because one of her peers volunteers at Martin. Genevieve went to Martin 19 years ago. We had a delightful conversation regarding her experiences and I look forward to further interviews with her as we move through oral history startup and completion,  Another beautiful accident, meeting Polly. Polly worked at Martin and has lived in the Holly Street neighborhood for over forty years.  Excitement is an understatement as I conversed with two women who have a wealth of information regarding this community and school.

Love Learning and Die Trying!

When I made the decision two years ago to pursue my love for learning, get a degree in psychology, pursue grad school and hopefully counsel and teach young men and women, I knew it was going to have its challenges.  I have felt it would all be worth  it.  Little did I know the broad range of obstacles, from technology to test taking.  There have been many near failures coupled with minor and major victories. 

As I sit here, four weeks from finals,  I have to look at my performance.  In my eyes, I have not only  performed well but I have loved the process (at least most of it).  I am looking at my performance in terms of what I have gained and what I have accomplished.  The path is one of joy and the love of learning.  My measuring stick says I still love learning.   And yet, academia requires that I take a breath and look at my score, a number. The numbers are not impressive or astounding. They are not, in my opinion, a reflection of the love of learning or the knowledge I acquired.  Three of my five grades reflect a lack of trying or a lack of understanding or possibly to some that I don't care.  This could not be farther from the truth. The answer...multiple choice testing. It is an evil assessment  for someone like me.  Ask me to write a paper, do a project, involve myself in the lives of others, and take an essay type test. I got that! I don't, however, have the ability to decide between A and B even when I know it isn't C and D. It has been an ongoing battle since my arrival in the halls of higher education.  

But, I refuse to be defined by the number and so I strive to accept that I will not look amazing on paper in those classes that require multiple choice testing; however, I will look like the stellar student in those courses that allow me to write and create and share my knowledge in a way that allows me to express myself and dialog about what I know. That feels good. So, I continue to press on and meet with professors hoping that they will get the one size fits all approach is a deadly weapon for not only me but for many of my peers.  

It is the round hole with the square peg type of problem or as we read last week "Wicked Problems." This is one of them. In my opinion, young men and women leave the halls of many universities due to the lack of encouragement and discouragement that comes with not performing at the required level. Is it because they can't or is it because the rubric is designed to measure all of us the same?  I would have to challenge the egocentric thinking of those in higher education and say, "it is broken; please fix it." 

Until the system is perfected and evolves to be one where success is measured by personal growth, love of learning and a variety of combined measuring instruments, I  am forced to live with the gap between my grades and my knowledge. I will, however,  not give up. Disregarding one of my professor's comments that "maybe you are not cut out for grad school," I continue to pursue the dream of getting my PHD. I know I can do it.  So, I press on and in spite of the discouragement I sometimes feel, I continue to apply myself.  I can only hope those individuals, who see my grad school application and hold my future dreams in their hands, will see beyond the current measuring stick and see me for what I can offer and bring to their program.  I choose optimism and enthusiasm. 

I also know I am not alone. I have talked to many of my peers who battle the same war of trying to find success in a system that doesn't meet their needs.  For some the multiple choice test is a relief over writing a paper or an essay and then for others, like me, the multiple choice test is a guillotine. Regardless of where you fit in, don't give up! Continue to pursue your goals and dreams!  More importantly, love the joy of learning.  Along the way, you encounter those teachers or  professors, like Jeffrey Wright, who inspire and encourage!   

Wasteland

The movie Wasteland captured my attention in many ways. I was completely caught off guard by the insurmountable amount of garbage/waste. My initial reaction was one of horror and pity for the people who were the "pickers."  As the movie continued and the story unfolded, my heart and reaction changed. The garbage picking was a way to survive and make a living in a respectable manner. It is hard to comprehend initially and yet, I was so encouraged to hear the "pickers" talk about the pride they had in doing this type of labor versus resorting to prostitution or selling drugs. Regardless of the way the job could have been demeaning, they had found this wonderful attitude and it was refreshing and encouraging!

 I am reminded, once again, of stereotypes and how quickly we make assumptions about people based on their conditions and without knowing the complete picture of a person's life.  It was easy for me to assume that they were miserable and deprived. They had so much joy and pride in the work they did. Wow! What a lesson in laying down judgement. It was also quite refreshing to see the work ethic they had. They took pride in doing a great job!  

I was also astounded by the beauty in the art that was created to depict the "pickers" lives. It also caught me off guard that something so incredibly dirty and ugly could be made beautiful. The reality of that in our lives is profound. It really does resonate that one man's trash is another man's treasure!  We should be looking within and beyond to find the beauty not only in our lives but also in the lives of others and our surroundings. How can we make something beautiful out of the trash that surrounds us?

I also thought about how this can translate for me in the project at Martin Middle School. I have these areas of concern for the people in the Holly Street Community but I need to not let my concerns, viewpoints or stereotypes interfere with seeing the community for something it isn't or assuming I know the lives of others and that they might be unhappy with the way their life has gone.  Quite honestly, I should assume the best rather than the worst.  It would be a mistake to think they are lacking or prefer life another way.  I need to interview and get to know individuals and make my concerns valid by knowing what they truly need and where their priorities lie. It would be easy to alienate them by assuming I know their lives.  By getting to know the kids, teachers, and community members, I have an opportunity to see the beauty that exists now and help create the beautiful picture that is to come.

I look forward to the  relationships I will build with the people of Martin Middle School and the Holly Street Community. I feel confident they have so much to teach me about the beauty in their lives!

Wicked Problems

As I ponder the idea of wicked problems, my thoughts of social justice and what I want for those less fortunate or those in dire need remains close to my heart. I have little experience in comprehending the true need of so many in our country and throughout the world.  I feel passionate about my role to help others; however,  on a large scale I have no idea what that is going to look like.

And so, I am forced to bring the idea of wicked problems into my own living area. It is an uncomfortable thought to share with my peers my own "wicked" problems. They seem so trivial in comparison to the hurts and struggles of others. But, in all honesty, they are real and big and sometimes larger than life for me. And then I am reminded of Brene Brown and her TED talks and her shouting vulnerability is a good thing even though we run from it.  In the name of vulnerability and humility, I gulp down the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 Over fifty percent of married couples get divorced. It can have a devastating effect on children and the economic stability of some men but mostly women. Most women of divorce end up in the lower socioeconomic status. This doesn't even begin to cover the emotional carnage left for friends, family and the partners themselves. You make a decision to marry and you believe it is for life. Most don't have a financial and emotional back up plan in place if things go awry.

Divorce. It is an ugly word. One I thought I would never encounter; however, 20+ years of marriage ended and although I am happily divorced, there are many obstacles and yes, wicked problems I have encountered. As a child of divorce, I knew some of the pain my children would endure due to their parents inability to work it out. I said our divorce would be different. We were going to remain friends, we would help each other in times of financial and emotional need, and we would, for the sake of our children, do this right.  After what I considered careful planning and orchestration, the divorce became real.  No matter how well I planned, I couldn't plan for all we would endure.

After five years of being single and reading the Dilemmas in a General Theory of Planning article, I found so much can be applied to our personal lives:  solutions are hard to achieve, there is no trial and error, today's solution may exacerbate tomorrows problem, the problem can be unique to me, and there is no rule that is going to work to resolve every problem. As sensitive and careful as I try to be toward, my children,  my children's father  and other members of the family, financial devastation happens, people are hurt and disappointed, and you cannot determine the reaction or pain of those around you. There is no careful planning to have the perfect outcome.

Regardless, life goes on and you develop a basic road map for your journey, the best you can do at the time, and you also regroup and make another and yet another. Flexibility...the key to survival.  What does that look like in my life?

My father had this saying: "how do you eat a whale?"  "One bite at a time!"  It is my go to when the whales in my life become greater than life itself.  After generally freaking out, this is how I cope with the whales:

*  Break it down in to manageable pieces. What can I do today? What am I unable to do?
*  Talk to two of my closest friends; seek counsel and advice from them.
*  Rely on my faith!
*  Recount past problems and realize answers have come.
*  Remind myself that things generally look worse at the onset.    

Life will always have a rocky path. That will never change. Changing the way we view the path often is the largest obstacle.

Despite the pain my daughters feel over being children of divorce, they get it. Several years ago they gave me this mug. I cherish it.  In spite of their own heartache, they recognize my happiness.

Derailment

After listening to Dr. Gerstenblatt talk about her delayed flight experience and the people she encountered, I have thought all week about my own personal derailments and how I am not often willing to look at them as growth but more as unwanted experiences. I had to ask myself if I was willing to learn and grow from many of the unexpected events in my life,   would I be willing to engage with others in the midst of my frustrations.  I found it quite interesting as she talked about her conversations with people in the airport and the connections that were formed because of a shared experience or a common interest.

Sometimes we have daily derailments and other times we may go weeks without bumps in the road. I have tried to live this week with the intention of being more aware of those minor or major interruptions to my well planned day/week.

This is what I learned  and who I encountered this week from events that occurred that I had not expected and/or planned:

• Waiting to meet the realtor @ my boss's home, I had a chance to talk to the housekeeper at length and learn about her family, her new granddaughter, and her culture.

• Offering to take a friend to the airport @ 5:45 am even though I would have preferred to sleep, gave me the opportunity to hear a message on the radio regarding  trusting ourselves and our circumstances.  A much needed, timely and affirming piece!

• While housesitting for my neighbors, I had an unexpected and not necessarily welcomed interruption by their daughter which gave me insight into the organ donor program she works with.  A fascinating, interesting and rewarding career and one I knew so little about.

I don't necessarily know how these interruptions/derailments will impact me in the future but what I learned is that if I will just stop and breathe and allow those minor and/or major interruptions, that truly annoy me,  to impact me,  then I can grow and gain insight into peoples lives.  I truly desire to be that person who welcomes life's interruptions versus the one who is irritated beyond belief. 

Which also led me to consider how can I apply this to my work at Holly Street and Martin Middle School?  I can have a list of items to accomplish and goals to achieve; however, I have to be sensitive to those around me and their plans.  I need to be flexible and look at the bigger picture and hope I will see the individuals involved and how I can be a conduit for change in their lives or possibly just a listening ear. My motto: Embrace derailment!

I cannot wait to see how this all develops in the work @ Martin Middle School!

Reflection

Spring Break has been a time of reflection for me as I look ahead to the next two months of classes, papers, and tests. A time to assess where I have succeeded and where I am falling short. Unfortunately the "grade" is not always indicative of the learning or knowledge; however, how else does one measure knowledge gained in this world of academia if it isn't through a "grade." 

As a student it can be discouraging to feel you have knowledge and understanding of the material and yet you fall short of the grade required. I loved the article on Reflection and Articulated Learning. During this week of reflection and trying to get caught up and possibly ahead, I found it to be a great source of encouragement not only in our project work but  also in my other classes. I looked at what I have gained in knowledge from my struggles and from my successes and how I could apply this concept of articulated learning into my everyday life.   

What did I learn?  When I am feeling discouraged about the grade in a class and the fact that it is not a reflection of my true knowledge, I can remind myself what I have learned and what is more important.

How specifically did I learn it?  What are my strengths in studying and gaining insight and knowledge? How can I apply service learning to my other courses and is that possible?

Why does this learning matter?  Knowledge is valuable to me and I believe as we learn and grow through our failures and successes, we become more sensitive and aware of those around us. We are wiling, hopefully, to share our lives with others. 

In what ways will I use this learning or what goals shall I set in place with what I have learned in order to improve myself, the quality of my learning or the quality of my future experiences?

I have this hope that through Project and my involvement with Holly Street that I will be a kinder, more sensitive person who is able to listen and try to understand others and their needs.  I am very excited about the opportunity to grow as an individual through my work at Martin Middle School.  I  am also enjoying the attitude to be able to take a risk and jump into the unknown and begin to recognize therein lies the power to succeed. 

Inspiration for Your Day: "If you aren't willing to try everything and make a mistake then you'll never make anything of yourself." - Sir Richard Branson

Risk

Today is International Women's Day and I have included a link from Maria Shriver. It is about women but it applies to all of us.  Let's each live to our potential!

http://mariashriver.com/blog/2013/03/every-woman-is-divine-film-jesse-dylan-maria-shriver-international-womens-day

This week has been one of great reflection in part due to a series of events in my personal life where I have taken and not taken risk. I have had several frustrations/errors in the academic environment  due to my own inabilities and multitasking when I should have been focused.  This reminded me of Dr. Gerstenblatt's comment on Monday about being present in the moment. How often are we disconnected from the moment and when that happens we make mistakes and yes, that can leave us feeling vulnerable. When I want to admit defeat and yet my greater survival instincts check in and says NO FIGHT!

And yes, I still feel vulnerable because my inadequacies are revealed and I have to sit with a professor and say...I feel defeated because I don't understand or I didn't submit something correctly and so that feels painful to have to say I am capable but incapable. And yes, I learn from those painful mistakes and they are lessons that I can vividly remember and grow from.

All of this also led me to then start thinking about Brene Brown's TED talk which if you have not ever heard it, you should or if you have, listen again. I have attached it. The willingness to do something that may or may not turn out. Being vulnerable. Living wholeheartedly. How does this message apply to my life personally, academically and globally. How will I be more vulnerable in my work at Martin Middle School? All I can say is I hope I will be and that my vulnerability will bring the connection that we long for as human beings and lives will be changed for the better.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html